77th Golden Globe Awards

The Art of Roasting Hollywood… Until Well Done!

— Monologue Transcript —

Hello, and welcome to the seventy-seventh annual Golden Globe Awards, live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel, here in Los Angeles. I’m Ricky Gervais. Thank you.

You’ll be pleased to know this will be the last time I’m hosting these awards.

So… I don’t care anymore… I’m joking — I never did.

NBC clearly don’t care either — this time.

I mean, Kevin Hart was fired from the Oscars because of some offensive tweets… Hello?

Ricky Gervais points out many Hollywood hypocrisies throughout his monologue. Here he wonders why Keven Hart was fired from hosting the 2019 Oscars, yet his tweets have been at least as offensive. Yet, here Ricky Gervais is again, called for the fifth time to host the 77th Golden Globe Awards.

Lucky for me the Hollywood Foreign Press can barely speak English, and they’ve no idea what Twitter is, so — I got offered this gig by fax.

So, let’s start with a bang, let’s have a laugh — at your expense — shall we?

Remember — they’re just jokes. We’re all going to die soon, and there’s no sequel. So… yeah, remember that.

Amy Poehler appeared very happy, sporting a huge grin. The comedian/actress may have talk with Ricky before the show. She seems to know an onslaught is about to be unleashed. She turns her gaze from Gervais to the camera and quickly raised and lowered both eye brows. It signaled to me that she couldn’t wait to hear what was coming.

But you all look lovely, all dolled up, and you came in your limos. I came here in a limo tonight, and the license plate was made by Felicity Huffman.

So — no — shush…

It’s her… it’s her daughter I feel sorry for, okay? That must be the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to her — and her dad was in Wild Hogs. So…

Tom Hanks initially feigns disapproval at Gervais’ Felicity Huffman joke because two seconds later, as seen in this photo, he was sharing small talk with someone at his table.

Lots of big celebrities here tonight — I mean legends — icons, yeah? I mean, this table alone — Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, baby Yoda — oh that’s Joe Pesci… sorry. I love you man, don’t have me whacked.

But tonight isn’t just about the people in front of the camera. In this room are some of the most important TV and film executives in the world. People from every background, but they all have one thing in common; they are terrified of Ronan Farrow. He’s coming for ya… he’s coming for ya… Look…

Jonathan Pryce appeared to get mad with the Ronan Farrow joke. He doesn’t look happy, but he’s a great actor, so maybe it’s fake outrage?

Talking of all you perverts… it was a big year… it was a big year for pedophile movies. Surviving R Kelly, Leaving Never Land, Two Popes… (Gervais snickers)

Shut-up… shut-up… I don’t care — I don’t care.

It’s hard to tell if Jonathan Pryce acquiesced to the fact they are just jokes. Or has he turned on ‘the stare of death’ when Ricky Gervais’ joke includes The Two Popes.

Many talented people of color were snubbed in major categories. Unfortunately there’s nothing we can do about that. The Hollywood Foreign Press are all very, very, racist… So — 5th time — so?

We were going to do an ‘in memoriam’ this year, but then I saw the list of people that have died… it wasn’t diverse enough. It just — no — it was mostly white people, and I thought nah — not on my watch. Maybe next year, lets see what happens.

No one cares about movies anymore, no one goes to cinema, no one watches network TV. Everyone’s watching Netflix. This show, should just have me coming out going well done Netflix you win — everything. Goodnight.

But, no — no, we gotta drag it out for three hours...

You can binge watch the entire first season of After Life instead of watching this show. That’s a show about a man that wants to kill himself because his wife died of cancer… and it’s still more fun than this. Okay?

Spoiler alert — season two is on the way, so in the end he obviously didn’t kill himself — just like Jeffery Epstein… Shut up… I know he’s your friend, but I don’t care. Ya had to make your own way here, in your own plane, didn’t ya? …Right.

But seriously… Most films are awful, lazy, remakes, sequels. I heard a rumor there might be a sequel to Sophie’s Choice. I mean, that would just be Meryl Streep going, ‘well, it’s gotta be this one then’.

All the best actors have jumped to Netflix and HBO, you know. And the actors that just do Hollywood movies now do fantasy-adventure nonsense. They wear masks and capes, and really tight costumes. Their job isn’t acting anymore… it’s going to the gym twice a day and taking steroids really.

Have we got a — have we got an award for most ripped junkie? No? No… no point. We know who’d win that.

Martin Scorsese — the greatest living director — made the news for his controversial comments about the Marvel franchise. He said they’re not real cinema, and they remind him of theme parks.

I agree, although I don’t know what he’s doing hanging around theme parks, he’s not big enough to go on the rides, is he? …Tiny.

Robert De Niro gets a laugh at the tiny joke, while Martin Scorsese tells him and the rest of his table, “it’s true, it’s true.”

Right… The Irishman was amazing — it was amazing — it was.

Long, but amazing….

It wasn’t the only epic movie. Once Upon A Time In Hollywood — nearly three hours long. Leonardo DiCaprio attended the premier, and by the end, his date was too old for him.

Leonardo DiCaprio has a laugh at his own expense knowing it’s all in good nature.

Even Prince Andrew is like, C’mon Leo, mate… you know… you’re nearly fifty Son.

The world got to see James Cordon as a fat pussy. He was also in a movie Cats, but, no one saw that. And the reviews, ah, shocking. I saw one that said, ‘this is the worse thing to happen to cats since dogs.’

But, Dame Judi Dench defended the film saying, ‘it was the role she was born to play’ because she…

Ricky Gervais loses his composure because of his Judi Dench joke saying, “I can’t do this next joke…” but he gathers himself quickly and soldiers on.

…because she loves nothing better than plunking herself down on the carpet, lifting her leg, and licking her own ‘minge’.

[Gag-coughs] — Fur ball — fur ball — She’s old school.

Gervais loses it again after the Judi Dench joke punchline. I don’t know if it was because he felt bad telling it, or because he created a picture in his head that he’ll never be able undo.

It’s the last time, who cares?

Apple roared into the TV game with a morning show. A superb drama… yeah.

A superb drama, about the importance of dignity, and doing the right things.

Made by a company that runs sweatshops in China. So…

The camera found Apple’s CEO, Tim Cook, as Gervais began his Apple joke. The camera quickly left him before Ricky got to the punchline, and didn’t return to show his reaction.

Well you say you’re woke, but the companies you work for — I mean unbelievable… Apple, Amazon, Disney. If ISIS started a streaming service, you’d call your agent, wouldn’t ya?

So if you do win an award tonight, don’t use it as a platform to make a political speech. Right, you’re in no position to lecture the public about anything. You know nothing about the real world.

Ricky Gervais ends his fantastic monologue telling Hollywood’s elite to fuck-off.

Most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thunberg.

So… If you win — right — come up, accept your little award, thank your agent, and your God, and fuck-off, okay?